Sunday, May 09, 2004

The Word 'Unblowuppable' Gets Thrown Around A Lot These Days...

Don't get me wrong: My whole life isn't based on shooting people. I'm just really good at it.

Last night my brother, Jeff, had his belated laser tag birthday party. We played four games. I lead the scoring in all four.

Leon, again my teammate, was also my runner-up in most rounds. Just like Half-Life. Fun.

For all you budding laser taggers out there, here's my basic strategy.

1. Hold the gun high (next to your face) and always point it where you're looking. That way, you can shoot at whatever you see. The twin advantage to this strategy is that when your gun is by your face, it puts your elbows in the vicinity of your chest pack, making it harder for someone to kill you with a shot to the chest. This is not breaking rule #13 below because it’s a real combat strategy not a cowardly attempt at not getting shot.

2. Don't move too fast. First, you'll run into things if you go too fast. Second, you'll miss opportunities to shoot the other guys. Be methodical, and look everywhere. Point your gun where you’re looking, and shoot when you see something.

3. Shoot at everything, especially if there's no penalty for shooting your own teammates. Don't shoot your own guys intentionally, but if you're not sure, shoot first and get a positive ID later.

4. Find less-used areas of the playing field and exploit them. There's a part of our local arena that no one goes in much. Except me. I can shoot other players from there who don't expect me to be there.

5. Find well-traveled areas of the playing field and exploit them. I like to find the halls that feed in and out of the popular areas and shoot people as they come and go. That's a very handy trick.

6. Follow people. When someone runs right by you without shooting, it means they don't know you're there. Follow them and shoot them when you get a chance. Then duck behind a wall and if they're stupid enough not to get out of there, shoot them again when their pack comes back to life.

7. Always shoot the chest. Shoulders are a stun, but the chest is a kill. Big points difference. So learn to aim your gun and shoot at the good stuff.

8. Hide your own chest. If you're sniping, you WILL get seen eventually. So keep your vital parts hidden behind a wall. Only let the other guys see your gun. Then they can only shoot your gun. If you're running along a wall, crouch so your chest is below the wall. You don't want to die, do you?

9. Don't tell people where you're going. In other words, run away, but then run back. Odds are, you'll get an easy kill on someone who thinks you're long gone.

10. Oh yeah, when you're outnumbered, DO run. Run, damn you! Then maybe circle back and pick them off one at a time.

11. Don't get all hung up on bunkering down in a spot and holding it. Seriously, if it's such a great spot, why are so many people shooting you? Towers are a good example of this. Yeah, it's nice to have a height advantage, but when everyone flushes you out, maybe you don't want to go back there for a while, right? Last night we had guys that really, REALLY wanted to stay in the towers. So they died a lot. Because I killed them.

12. When you are shot (and you will be if you're playing with me), GO AWAY. Waiting around for your pack to come back to life so you can kill me is a bad strategy for two reasons. First, I'm probably not there anymore. Second, if I am sticking around to kill you again, I still have the advantage! Hello? My gun is still good! I can just shoot you over and over until you come back to life and then you're dead before you even get a shot off! Don't be stupid. Run when you're dead.

13. Don't cover your pack sensors with your hand. First, you've got three more sensors that your hand isn't covering that I WILL still shoot. And I'm a good shot. Second, you're a cowardly stupid little dink if you do this. Third, how are you going to use your gun effectively if you're too busy being a coward to think about shooting me? Fourth, did I mention that this is an extremely cowardly thing to do? Die with honor, you ugly Klingon.

My keyboard is going weird and I'm getting long-winded. So you're dismissed for now, maggots.

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