Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Here's The What (Ask If You Want The Why)

To be Mormon is to settle.

I really felt that, through my mission and engagement and marriage. You trade fun in this life for a shining treasure. One Mormon wife in ugly underwear and enduring soberness now. As many as you want later.

Of course, Crystal always said Celestial wives would be subject to her approval. Certainly none in this life even if the Church went to it again. She'd never be "Another." I've never had an issue with that.

It's more than that, of course. She and so many others were taught a disdain for sex at all, let alone experimentation with positions or (gasp!) oral sex. Filthy and unclean practices have been warned against by the brethren since forever, to modern members.

The refusals to do togetherness-type things, like walks or reading books or playing games, I took as areas we were both working on. I wouldn't see the flat refusals as such exactly. "We will get there," I said and believed.

I'd accepted all that. Settled, until the Mormon construct crumbled in front of me.

Every time you wonder about a Church practice or teaching, and put it away for later. 'Christ will make it right after my life or during The Millennium.' That thing is on your Shelf.

People talk about their shelf-breaking moments, when the dark little weaknesses of faith suddenly rise and combine to cast a shadow greater than your Reality Distortion Field's diameter.

I remember the moment my shelf came down. It was in 2008. I had been so wrong. The further light and knowledge that I had begged for came, and these told me, as clear as day. The truths I had known and taught others were wrong.

(Contact me personally for details if you want them. It hurt to discover that truth. I won't force it on anyone.)

Letting on one thing and being another has never been a strength for me. I tried to tell Crystal about the things I had learned.

Many couples have gone through one of them losing faith. Some of them make the mistake of letting this divide them. We made this mistake.

I remember what Crystal was like before I told her that I'd learned about the church. I haven't seen that Crystal since that evening I told her about it in 2008. She gave up on me just when things started getting interesting.

Now Crystal is leaving and apparently taking our children with her. It seems that I won't see the rest of my teenage kids' school years. (I'm ok with moving on but I disagree about the timing. They should finish school here and there's more but none of it seems to matter now...)

We'll probably sell the home in West Jordan this year. I want to move to Washington, though I don't know if that will be sooner (in the next year) or later (more like five years). Maybe one or both of the kids will want to try another state or household by then.

Certain dear friends parted ways over my disbelief well before Crystal did.

I welcome old friends back around for new discussions. I hope good times are ahead for us. I send my love to you and your families.

The last ten years have been lonely, but I am stronger and wiser. Please get in touch.

Love,
Jake.

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